Aaaaaaaand we’re back with another highly embittered and inoffensive breakdown of our new favorite guilty pleasure, The Bachelor.
The previews ABC has been showing this week look awfully meaty. They allow us to speculate that the girls confront Ben about how they all hate Courtney… since she’s so nice and all.
This week the gang travels to Belize to stay at the Coco Beach resort. Ben relates to the slow lifestyle of Belize. No shock there. Also Coco Beach resort is not playing around and we are immediately taken by its swank, except that the girls have to share beds, which strikes us as a little awkward. This week, roses are not up for grabs on the one-on-ones, but there IS one on the group date. We hope to God this brings out the bitch in the Courtney that we know and love to hate….but still love. Courtney, you are just so good for ratings.
Ben comes to pick up Lindzi for the first solo date of the episode in a hideous white bro tank. Emily relates Ben to a piece of cheesecake and frankly we are offended that she could ever compare him to something so delicious. And yet again they travel by helicopter to their destination, which is the BLUE HOLE?!?!?!?!?! We wish real life dating was this cool….The wind from the helicopter makes Ben’s hair look worse than normal, which we didn’t think was possible. They plummet into the Blue Hole together. *cue weird analogies between nature and relationships*
After the Blue Hole, they float to dinner in candlelit waters. Lindzi declares that she is falling in love with Ben, “He is all that I am hoping for and twenty times more.” Despite the fact that we hate the way Lindzi’s name is spelled, and all the horrific activity/relationship/helicopter analogies, they are pretty adorable and Ben reminds her that their relationship is a two-way street. To make things even more adorable, they write a letter to send off in a bottle. They are nauseatingly mushy, most likely very drunk, and seem weirdly cold and sterile despite how cuddly they are. Ben sucks at writing fairy tales, ending it with an “eternal promise” rather than “happily ever after.” WTF?
Emily is super excited about her date with Ben. Again, they take off in a helicopter, ride bikes and walk around barefoot on the beach. They decide to go diving for lobster in a horrifically scripted “spontaneous” interaction with a local. They sail off to search for lobster weirdly accompanied by African tribal music. Wrong continent, guys. They succeed in catching lobster and go off to dinner to feast on their efforts. Back at the house, Courtney whines about how she feels unsupported by Ben, declaring amid dramatic snuffles that she “really liked him, but doesn’t know if she can bring him home to meet her family.” (Note the past tense!!!)
Back to the date: Ben and Emily have a great time. While they were out dancing sans rhythm, their lobsters have been prepared for them. Again, our minds are blown by how much stamina they have. Walking, biking, diving, dancing, kissing…. and now they’re expected to have coherent, meaningful conversations?? And with all that wine?!?!? Emily declares that she is ready for Ben to meet her family, they cheers and go in for a kiss, which includes some truly unnecessary tongue.
Back at the house, Courtney continues her whining. Her worries are alleviated when she receives the next one-on-one date. She rubs the date in the other girls faces, waving adieu to the house, “byye, can’t stand y’all.” They go to a Mayan temple and Courtney lets him have it, revealing that she has lost the spark, feeling insecure and whining again. Ben looks like he’s going to cry. Ben reassures Courtney that she is what he wants, because apparently he wants a weird, antisocial femmebot with sociopathic tendencies. We take back everything we said, Ben and Courtney are perfect for each other because they are both awful….Dear GOD, again with the terrible date analogies…..”Each step of the pyramid is like a step in our relationship.” They have re-found the spark. Hooray. They go off and have dinner, then talk about soul mates and make out. Courtney brings out the finger guns. So amazing. Courtney starts complaining about the other girls, and Ben brings up concerns about her being unlikeable. She gets defensive and is slurring her words…..oh how the wine talks!
Kacie B., Rachel, and Nicki get the group date. God we hope Kacie B. gets the rose. Ben decides to wake up the girls at 4am by telling them to put on their bathing suits. At 4 am. We would not be down. At All. Though they do start off the day with mimosas, which in our opinion, is the best way to start the day. Ben announces that they are going shark diving, and again uses a terrible analogy comparing the date and relationships…..we would also like to note that drinking champagne right before you go swimming with carnivorous animals is probably not the greatest idea…..Rachel has a tramp stamp….ew….and she’s “monopolizing” Ben according to Kacie B. We keep noticing all of Ben’s awkward responses, and L points out that he has “defensive eyebrows,” which is hilarious and definitely true. Kacie B. gets the rose and everyone celebrates. Ben is appreciating everyone’s openness, and while they’re on that subject, they take the opportunity to tell Ben that Courtney is a huge C U Next Tuesday. Suspicions confirmed.
Cocktail Party time. The girls talk and Courtney sips on her piña colada, sans rain, and declares that Ben is not the only guy in the world. All the girls are taken aback, but we truly appreciate her sense of perspective. Come on, guys. It’s not like you are sentenced to a loveless life if you don’t win Ben’s heart. Chris Harrison arrives and announces that Ben has made his decision and that there will be no cocktail party tonight. DUN DUN DUN. Courtney is cocky as hell. Also, why are they all barefoot??? We are predicting that Rachel and Nicki are going home. Ben steals Courtney away (male input says “quick BJ!”) They talk…blah blah blah. Nicki gets the first rose. Next is Lindzi. One more!!!! Courtney is totally staying on for sweet sweet ratings. Ahhhhhhhhhh we knew it!!!!!! Emily and Rachel go home….We’re sad…Emily was quickly becoming the new favorite. her parting words were wise and concise. Therefore boring. Episode ends. We really wanted more rapping.
Forgotten footage: Courtney is a huge bad ass and plays with a tarantula. It’s fitting that she is so comfortable with such a horrible creature….
Corniness from this episode:
“Emily, do you Belize in love?”
“I believe in soul-mates”
“I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me”
“I’m kinda high on love right now”
Our favorite one liners about and from Courtney:
“I have never met such a conceited person before in my life. Never.”
“That fucking bitch. It took every freaking fiber of my being not to spring across the room and punch her in the face.”
“Goodbye, Courtney. It’s been nice knowing you. My condolences to whatever man you end up with.”
“She’s like a little girl in a little boy’s body”
“See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya”
“It tastes so good when it hits your lips!”
Check in next week for the next Bachelor Breakdown with L and A